it was like his penis was on wheels.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
