I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My penis needs a shock collar
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
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