i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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