The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
