how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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