Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
