Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
