On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
