But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
