Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
