i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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