You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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