ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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