Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize