if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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