She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
