dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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