Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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