"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
