I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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