Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We are two peas in an std pod
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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