I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
