fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize