I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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