are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
