I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My ass is underappreciated
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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