i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
