Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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