You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
