he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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