i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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