when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
