You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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