I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
