I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
This is my gift to your gina
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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