Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
