My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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