I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
