Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
