Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
