my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
