Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
