I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
