you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
