Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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