Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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