Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
