just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
