I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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