i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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