I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
