please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
