There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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