He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
