you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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