Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
