It's like a parade of train wrecks.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
