Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
