my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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