I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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